Ditch Doc

Problem: I can’t afford a space heater, and my feet stick out from the blankets, so I wake up every two hours with cold toes.

Solution: Wool socks. I haven’t slept this well since I was 18.

I wish I’d been told this when I was fourteen: after shaving, use your left hand to spread a little olive oil around your still-wet face. Use the same hand to rub all over against the grain and find rough spots, which you can then remove with the razor in your right. You’ll be feeling your chin in disbelief until mid-afternoon.

Check out this website, valuable not only to bachelors, but married men and monks as well. Don’t bother with the comments, though. Most of them are eminently skippable.

Problem: “I can tie my tie in a double Windsor, but I can never seem to get that classy dimple in the middle.”

Solution: The secret of the double Windsor is a loose knot. If it lets the tail run freely and feels soft and squashable when you squeeze it front to back, the dimple ought to fall into place under your finger and stay put.

OK, guys, the hottest stock on the market right now is Tools. A few days ago, I decided to open my passenger door, a feat that has not been performed in over a year. Instead of taking the truck to the shop, I bought Tools and did the job myself in three hours for about $200, probably pretty close to what the mechanic would have charged. Only now I have a 126 piece socket set, a 1/2″ drive break-bar torque wrench with 3/8″ adapter, and a size 47 star head socket. How many other investments give a 100% return in three hours? Forget Ballard. It’s Tools, gentlemen, Tools.

My air mattress doesn’t fit in my new apartment. The first night, I slept on the four foot long couch, and woke up every two hours. The second night, I slept on the floor, and woke up with all my vertebrae at different angles. The third night, I took the cushions from the couch and put them on the floor. Getting close, but still a bit uncomfortable from the ponderous weight of my lower body hanging off the end of the cushion and twisting my spine upward. So I spaced the cushions out, one for the chest and one for the hips, and slept for TEN HOURS!

Are you tired of washing a ton of pots after eating? Worried about dwindling global fresh water deposits? Then why are you still boiling perogies, eggs and frozen corn in different water?

Are the bumps in your air mattress keeping you awake? Lay a couple of blankets over top. They smooth things right out.

When you pulled your pants out of the dryer, were they covered in those little pills of balled up fabric? Do you own an old three-headed leviathan electric shaver? Turns out they work better on pants than they do on faces.

I’m sure that most of my crazy road-tripping friends are fairly well acquainted with Red Bull and its assorted rip-offs. In case anyone’s looking for a recommendation though, I’d say that the least revolting energy brew (and I’ve tried most of them) is Sobe A-Rush. The one in the blue can. As long as it stays cold. The worst one is Lost (silver can). Unlike most of the others, you can’t get used to the taste: every sip is at least as much an assault as the last one. One more tip: mix your stimulant about 50/50 with Powerade or juice or something, and drink it slowly. The result is that you feel gradually more wakeful, instead of suddenly wondering whether you’ll be taken first by schizophrenia or cardiac arrest.