Ditch Doc

Here’s a line from my textbook:

“By now you have learned from probability theory that we can never be certain about anything.”

To all my Californian friends: here, in the words of Stan Rogers, is why I don’t move down there to be with all of you.

“In a few more years I won’t remember what it was to play,
The music of old friends who need to live so far away,
But can I once taste Northern waters, then forsake them for the South,
To feel California’s ashes in my mouth?”

P.S. I’ll never forget what it was, Stan notwithstanding.

Two MCAT’s: $600

Gas, bus tickets, motel and Red Bull for MCAT’s: $720

Application fees: $755

Fort Nelson to Fort St. John to Halifax to Vancouver to Edmonton to Fort Nelson to Fort St. John to London to Kingston to New York to Fort St. John to Fort Nelson: $2735.20

“Dear Mr. Turner, I’m very pleased to let you know…”: Priceless

So the plywood plant caught fire again last night. It’s kind of an accepted industry standard that an OSB mill will catch fire several times a year. This time it was the storeys-high pile of sawdust out back, which is permanently on fire and flares up every spring. Everyone came to the party: the entire fire department, a helicopter, a track-hoe and even a bunch of forestry fire fighters with nothing else to put out. I wonder what it’s like to be the city fire-fighter in full bunker gear hosing down the same blaze as a twenty year old forestry kid in a hard hat and wool sweater.

On fighting fires in Australia:

“No, I didn’t go. The guys who went were telling stories about crazy-ass spiders and crocodiles in pump sites and shit. I’ll take mosquitoes and black-bears any day.”

Oh, and then the one about the guy who tried to bear-spray his friend, but was so drunk that he pointed it backwards and sprayed himself. He was hysterical with pain, and told us:

“You guys have no f$!%in idea how much this hurts!”

Cop: “Yes I do.”

“F%!#in @$*!~! of a %&*^~! Can’t you $%#@ do anything?”

Ditch: “Do you have any Pepto Bismol you can wash your face with?”

Cop: “Or Pepsi?”

And then there was the one about the guy who was planning to shoot his wife, but was so drunk that he forgot to brace the shotgun against his shoulder, missed at point blank range, blew up the TV and broke his collarbone. You sure look tough now, buddy.

Oh, Eternal Lord God, who alone spreadest out the heavens and rulest the raging of the seas, who has compassed the waters with bounds until day and night come to an end, be pleased to receive into thy almighty and most gracious protection the persons of us thy servants and the fleet in which we serve. Preserve us from the dangers of the seas and from the violence of the enemy, that we may be a safeguard unto our most gracious sovereign lady, Queen Elizabeth and a security for such as pass upon the seas, upon their lawful occasions, that the inhabitants of our commonwealth may in peace and quietness serve thee, our God, and that we may return in safety to enjoy the blessings of the land with the fruits of our labours, and with a thankful remembrance of thy mercies to praise and glorify thy Holy Name, Through Jesus Christ our Lord,

Amen