Ditch Doc

Peach yogourt + water = peach milk.

One of the members of our ambulance station is an accomplished dentist from Kamchatka who came to Canada on a whim, barely had his extensive education recognized to a grade 12 level, and struggled through his paramedic training with about half a grasp of the English language. His still beginning understanding of Canadian language and ways leads him to say some truly hilarious things, worthy of their own category. (All quotes are to be read in a think Russian accent.)

Tonight:
Dima: You should go up Old Alaska Highway. Whole cattle farm… all elimination.
Ditch: (Scratches head)
Dima: Christmas lights on everything. E-li-mi.. No?
Ditch: Oh! Illumination!
Dima: Aaaah!

While planning Thanksgiving dinner:
Michelle: I’ll take care of the turkey.
Dima: What is … turkey?
Matt: Uh, it’s a big bird…
Tina: It’s like chicken…
Dima: Is chicken?
Matt: No, it’s bigger than chicken.
Ditch: It’s a huge chicken.
Dima (suddenly understanding): Aaah! Hormonal chicken!

Later:
Dima: What is … cranberries?

Figured I might as well say a few things to make my location sound more Northern. So here are some Fort Nelson stats:
Latitude: 58 degrees, 50 minutes N
Population: 5,000
Distance to nearest city: 200 miles
Ambulance station catchment area: 110,000 sq. km, 10% of B.C.’s total area.
Daily hours of pitch black during the winter: About 18
Elevation of the sun at noon on the year’s shortest day: About 8 degrees.
First frost this year: Aug. 17
First snow this year: Sep. 30

Here are some of the things that impress you when you get further south again:
Roads with two lanes each way.
Stop lights.
9-1-1 service.
Tim Horton’s. (Embarassing, but true)
Single women.
Movie theatres, and most importantly,
Ghost cars.

Here’s how Fort Nelson people know when it’s cold:
Your vehicle’s tires freeze into shape when you’re parked at night.
Ice is no longer slippery.
Your breath freezes into your nose hairs.
School is cancelled. (At -20 C, the elementary school still has recess outside.)

During the winter, oil and logging roads are made out of ice. They clear a strip through the trees and pour layers of water and mud until the surface is smooth. Then they rough up the top for better grip. The speed limit on the bigger roads is 80 km/hr, but a lot of people go more like 110, and we won’t even discuss what some people do in an ambulance.

More later, maybe.

When you find yourself trying to open a can of beans with a hammer, avoid the obvious strategy of smacking the lid with the claws. This annoys your neighbours and turns the can into a waterfall as soon as you punch the first hole. Instead, hold one claw against the lid, leaning down as hard as you can. Wiggle the handle back and forth with your free hand until you get through.

Exodus 3:5. And he said: Come not nigh hither, put off the shoes from thy feet; for the place, whereon thou standest, is holy ground.

So why not wear shoes on holy ground? I guess the most obvious answer is that you might get the holy ground dirty. But it seems to me that there’s another reason as well: shoes are the garment of work and of travel. They are worn during those pursuits that are not good in themselves, but produce things that are. After work, we remove our shoes, settling into the part of the day in which we enjoy good things, such as a beer and some music. The removal of footwear during prayer is a gesture dedicating this time to the supreme enjoyable, God, and a quiet echo of the seventh day’s rest. It says: “I don’t need to walk any more, because God is all I want, and He is here.” Moses removed his sandals to speak with God. John finds the thought of Christ’s sandal thong terrifying, the sinful woman washes His feet with her hair, and Christ Himself washes the disciples’ feet and tells Peter that if his feet are clean, he is clean wholly.

Check out the new page on beginner bodhran playing tips. Hope you like it.