Ditch Doc

And so it ended. With one goal, Sid the Kid closed the Vancouver Olympics and completed Canada’s record-setting gold medal run, putting the finishing touch on the Games that will define my generation. For my whole life, I’ve heard politicians, TV personalities and beer commercials proclaiming our prominent place on the world stage with that awkward blend of arrogance and nervous self-doubt that haunts all our searching for the Canadian Identity. But this morning, I woke up in a country astonished to discover that it’s really true. Newspaper headlines and radio show hosts all had the same tone of humble pride: “Well imagine that! We did it!” The roaring crowds in roads and stadiums, the tragic heroism of Joannie Rochette, Clara Hughes’ beaming exit from a glorious career, the glut of gold medals, and of course that golden moment that will live in our hearts until they stop, gave an example of excellence fit for the whole world, and finally showed us what it is to be Canadian: We live in this great cold country with three coasts, we are good at what we do, we love one another deeply, and that is enough. I’ll end with a phrase I heard shouted more times than I could count in streets and bars across London last night:
God keep our land, glorious and free.

…is walking through the snow two hundred feet from an eight story apartment building with all its windows closed against the cold, and hearing the walls vibrate with the cheer for an unimportant goal. Go Canada.

7 to 3.
Stick that in your big red machine and grind it!
LLLLUUUUUUUUUUU!

The chief difference between Protestants and Catholics is this:

Protestants wear their religious emotions like women wear scarves: right up front. They show them prominently, they talk about them, they inquire politely about those of their friends. Catholics think of our emotions more like our undergarments. We do have them, in fact we value them quite highly, but we’d be mortified to find them sticking out, and we’d rather chew rocks than discuss them in public.

Those most responsible for the wreck of Catholic liturgy in recent years are fond of the notion of delivering local custom from the ravages of the out-of-touch juggernaut of Roman tradition. In the name of which cause they take the metreless chants of the dusty Meditteranean first Christians, add words here, repeat others there and twist rhythm, mode and instrumentation until the Gloria evokes the latter end of a night in a Northern European beer hall. Not all the pretzels are of the salty and delectable variety.

You know you’re pretty close to a manual restart when the last line under Program Manager’s applications tab is ‘Program Manager – (Not Responding)’.

Problem: I can’t afford a space heater, and my feet stick out from the blankets, so I wake up every two hours with cold toes.

Solution: Wool socks. I haven’t slept this well since I was 18.

I’ve finally found the way to break coffee addiction within a week or two without budgeting three days to lie quivering in a corner. And it’s not what you’d expect. The reason the Fool can’t even cut back from four coffees a day is that the least he can order is a small, which he must then drink in its entirety rather than waste any of the precious fluid. But the Wise Man begins his day with a large thermos of espresso. Then, whenever the headaches, mood swings or hallucinations begin, he serenely takes one swig and puts it away again. And the demon of the bean lies and gnashes his teeth in the outer darkness.

The Mennonites of Aylmer, Ontario.
Because who else is spinning Elgin County the Christian mariachi top 40 in Low German?

You know it’s time to cut back when you’re more worried about the lost coffee than the thermos you lost it in.